The Portable Door (2023)

The Portable Door (2023)

 

3/10

 

Starring

Patrick Gibson

Sophie Wilde

Sam Neill

Christoph Waltz

 

Directed by Jeffrey Walker

 

You can tell when something isn’t well adapted. I haven’t read the book this movie is based on (The Portable Door from the J.W. Wells & Co. series), but the way the movie just glosses over so much makes it clear that a lot is missing. Maybe the issue lies with the book itself—I wouldn’t know because this movie didn’t make me want to pick it up.

The movie failed on multiple levels to connect the dots. From odd narration choices to poorly explained scenes, this lack of cohesion made the film boring. The magic system and the world it operates in are barely explained, leaving the audience to guess why things happen or piece things together themselves. In the end, the movie didn’t bother to address critical details, like the role of the goblins, the differences in the characters’ powers, or why some people have these powers while others don’t. Instead, it glosses over these elements, leaving us in the dark. It felt like the filmmakers were banking on sparking interest in a sequel, but all I could think was how I could’ve spent my time doing something better than watching this.

The story revolves around Paul Carpenter, a man struggling to keep his life together. He shows up for an interview and, while waiting, is distracted by a man claiming to be his old teacher. After a bizarre series of events involving a dog and a chase, Paul unexpectedly ends up at the J.W. Wells Company, sitting for an interview he didn’t even know he’d been entered for.

Paul gets the job and quickly learns that the company operates behind the scenes of the human world. However, we don’t get a clear picture of how this works—just a vague example of them orchestrating two people meeting one another.

Paul is partnered with Sophie, a seer who can read people’s minds. We later learn that Paul is a diviner, someone who can locate things or find a way out of situations. The two are eventually separated, with Sophie assigned other tasks while Paul is given a secret mission to find a Portable Door.

We watch Sophie undergo a significant personality change while Paul gradually learns how to use his powers. As the story progresses, a deeper secret about J.W. Wells & Co. is revealed, exposing that things aren’t as smooth or straightforward as they seem.

Take your time to search for something else to watch.

Simulant (2023)

Simulant (2023)

 

3/10

Starring

Robbie Amell

Jordana Brewster

Simu Liu

Sam Worthington

 

Directed by April Mullen

 

Have you seen any movie about the future of A.I.? Then you’ve already seen this one. This movie doesn’t offer anything new. It borrows heavily from Blade Runner, Ex Machina, I Robot and Her, only to dull everything down with uninspired execution.

The movie doesn’t even try to entertain. It’s boring, with no sense of urgency, and doesn’t make much effort to tie the story together. The running around and investigations feel pointless, and while it’s clear there’s a rebellion going on, that’s about it. There’s no well-thought-out cognitive threat or intent to drive the plot forward.

A lot of what happens has no real purpose, and I spent the entire time pinpointing which parts were copied from other, better movies. While the actors seem to take the movie seriously, the writers clearly didn’t care about how blatantly derivative it was. On top of that, the director seems determined to force connections between the characters, no matter how flimsy those connections might be.

The story is set in a future where humanoid simulators roam freely. As expected, these simulators have rules they must follow, the primary one being that they must obey humans and cannot harm them. A task force is in place to capture rogue humanoids who live independently without a human in control.

The plot kicks off when Kessler decommissions a rogue humanoid and notices that it didn’t follow orders—it even went as far as hurting him, breaking the rules entirely. He eventually captures her using an EMP blast, which leads to an investigation into how she was able to function independently and display emotions.

Meanwhile, Faye has replaced her late husband with a humanoid but struggles with its presence in her home. She regrets getting the humanoid and finds herself stuck, unsure of what to do next.

The investigation into the rebel humanoid eventually leads the task force to Casey, whom they suspect is the mastermind behind the rogue humanoids.

As I mentioned earlier, this movie is no good. It’s one of those films that will likely fly under the radar because no one will be talking about it. The fact that it’s getting a theatrical release is surprising—clearly, they’re trying to recover the money wasted on it.

If you value your sanity and don’t want to go rogue yourself, skip this one. Watch the classics I mentioned earlier instead, they got the idea right and this movie did not even bother to try.

Renfield (2023)

Renfield (2023)

 

6/10

 Starring

Nicholas Hoult

Nicolas Cage

Awkwafina

 

Directed by Chris McKay

 

The movie isn’t half bad; it has some Buffy the Vampire Slayer vibes. The comedy is well-woven into the horror of Dracula’s character. If you haven’t read Bram Stoker’s Dracula (please do), you might be wondering who the Renfield character is. In the book, he’s a mental patient who believes he can become like Dracula by consuming life. So, he starts eating insects, then he kept moving up, feeding the insects to another animal, then that to another animal and continues to progress until a point he is eating birds. He worked for Dracula but eventually turned on him (I’ll stop here in case you want to read the amazing book). This movie, however, remixes his character a lot. Other than the name Renfield and the bug-eating, nothing about him in this movie is from the book. In this version, he eats bugs, but that gives him superhuman strength and speed, which wasn’t the case in the original story.

The movie portrays Renfield as a lawyer who initially hoped to broker an estate deal to change his fortune. This led him to willingly serve Dracula and eventually become his familiar. As a familiar, he gained immortality like Dracula and could unlock superhuman abilities by eating bugs. Their relationship lasted nearly a century, but now, in the present day, they live in filth underground, with Renfield tasked with capturing people to feed Dracula.

Renfield is fed up with serving Dracula and desperately wants out. He joins a self-help group for codependents of abusers, hoping to learn something that could free him from his burdens. This new situation, combined with his growing desire to change, fills him with self-doubt but also pushes him to take action.

At one point, Renfield saves an officer from being killed, which becomes a turning point for him. From then on, he does everything he can to stand up to Dracula and leave his life as a slave behind. However, his journey isn’t easy, and he faces the risk of losing everything he cares about.

The acting of both Cage and Hoult is what carries this movie for me. They were able to convey the master and trapped servant dynamic in such a way that you feel the necessary pity for Hoult's character to the required extent.

In the end, I can only say it isn’t half bad. It’s not one of those fantastic movies that will make you want to run out and see it again. But if you’re in the mood for a bloodsucking movie, this one won’t quite fill that void. It has gore, sure, but only a few bites. But if you want some comedic Dracula movie, then this will be alright.

Mafia Mamma (2023)

Mafia Mamma (2023)

 

2/10

 

Starring

Toni Collette

Monica Bellucci

 

Directed by Catherine Hardwicke

 

There are good movies, and then there are movies that should never even be seen. This movie is one of those that makes you ask, “Who wrote this mishap?” It’s unfunny, the story is cringy and stereotypical, and it’s so predictable that you’ll find yourself wondering, “Who acts like this in these situations?”

Nothing about this movie feels real, and the lead character is written so dumbly that it’s hard to even make it through the first thirty minutes. I know there are women who endure a lot and keep ticking, but this was too much. Not only is she a pushover, but she’s also made to feel grateful while everyone around her treats her like she’s worthless. It’s especially odd to see this so blatantly stamped into a movie directed by another woman.

The supporting cast doesn’t fare any better. Their characters are either exaggerated to the point of absurdity, underdeveloped, or just vague remnants of ideas for characters.

All of the above are problems with the director, but the actors didn’t help matters at all. None of them gave a performance that would make you say, "At least this person tried to be professional." Then, the supporting cast's overacting was so prevalent that it was obvious to anyone watching.

The movie's idea is good, and some of the comedy does hit home, which makes you want to sit through it with hope things will improve—but nope. The script fails to lift up the actors, and the director probably should have noticed that.

It’s hard for me to find anything good about this movie. There’s barely anything to make the time I invested in watching it worthwhile.

The plot follows Kristin, who finds out her grandfather has passed away. She’s told she must travel to Italy to sort out his affairs. Of course, Kristin, being the pushover she is at home and work, doesn’t want to go. But as movies go, circumstances conveniently push her to take the trip. She comes home from work one day to find her husband sleeping with another woman, and her job treats her with no respect, barely listening to her. The news of her grandfather’s death comes at just the right time. Plus, Kristin has always dreamed of going to Italy.

She hops on the next plane and, predictably, bumps into a man with whom she instantly sparks a connection (out of nowhere, I might add). Once she arrives, she’s taken to the funeral, which unexpectedly turns into a shootout. It’s then revealed that her grandfather was a mafia boss, and he’s passed the reins of the family business to her. The rest of the movie follows Kristin bumbling her way through running the mafia family and dealing with their enemies.

I can safely say that if you’ve never heard or seen this movie, you’ve been spared the agony of wasting your time and money on this hour-plus mistake, that even the A-list cast could not save.