The Expendables 2 (2012)

The Expendables 2

6/10

Starring

Sylvester Stallone

Jason Statham

Jet Li

Dolph Lundgren

Chuck Norris

Terry Crews

Randy Couture

Liam Hemsworth

Jean-Claude Van Damme

Bruce Willis

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Directed by Simon West

In the real sense, this movie is not worth the time spent making it, but just to hear Chuck Norris reply to:

“I heard a rumor that you were bitten by a king cobra.”
Chuck: “After 5 days of agonizing pain, the cobra died.”

That alone made watching the movie a blissful experience, as Stallone really raked in Norris fans, even though Norris presence in the movie was just a brief scene, not more than 6 minutes.

This movie is pure nostalgia, putting together all our favorite (OLD) heroes. Even Bruce Willis took up the gun in this one, and Arnold had more screen time, using the phrase “I’ll be back” a little too much to the point that it became annoying.

As usual, Chuck Norris was the ultimate badass, in the brief scene he was in.

Stallone went all the way to add more characters to the ensemble cast. He had already made plans for the sequel before the release of the first Expendables and opted out of writing or directing it. Unlike the first movie, this one was tuned down to a PG-13 rating to get younger viewers on board and show them how it was done in the old-school days.

The plot is similar to the first, a simple job gone bad as Barney and his old-school mercenaries go on a seemingly straightforward mission, then things go wrong and one of their own is viciously killed. Barney and his crew are now compelled to seek revenge in hostile territory, where the odds are stacked against them.

As they carry out their revenge tactics, things go sour. When it looks like lights out for the whole crew, as they are out of bullets and faced with a whole army (armed to the teeth) and an armored tank, out of nowhere Chuck Norris shows up and evens the odds.

He didn’t really even the odds though. It wasn’t fair to the army and the armored tank — they were outnumbered. As we all know, it takes more than one armored tank and an army to take on Chuck Norris.

As far as acting goes, these guys are all professionals and they did well, but the script is a little off, and the directing and wisecracks could have been better.

The movie is just for the old boys to enjoy the nostalgic experience of seeing their heroes again. It may not appeal to many younger viewers, but it is a fun movie.

There is news that there will be a third installment, and I look forward to seeing it as the majority of the people we see here (notably and hopefully Chuck Norris) will be back.

The Pirates! Band of Misfits (2012)

The Pirates! Band of Misfits

7/10

Starring the voice of

Hugh Grant
Martin Freeman
Imelda Staunton
David Tennant
Jeremy Piven
Salma Hayek

Directed by Peter Lord

One thing I can tell you is that you will cherish the time spent watching this movie.

Pirates is a stop-motion animation with CGI added. It was done by Aardman Animation, who were also responsible for the 2000 hit movie Chicken Run and the financial hit Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit (2005). Peter Lord, the director and co-founder of Aardman, has had long practice with clay-motion through the Wallace and Gromit series, so from the get-go of this movie Pirates, you just never expect anything to go wrong.

One thing that really got my attention is the way Pirate Captain (Hugh Grant) was able to blend with each situation no matter how hopeless it may seem. He kind of reminded me of Captain Jack Sparrow from the Pirates of the Caribbean series. Pirate Captain always had a quick word for everything. You will never catch him speechless, but the best part of this was, he was as foolish as a goat.

The plot is simple. Pirate Captain (Hugh Grant) wants so badly to be taken seriously in the pirate world and the world in general. He also has his eyes set on the Pirate of the Year award, an award he dreams of winning one day.

But Pirate Captain's booty was nothing compared to the other pirates gunning for the award, like Black Bellamy (Jeremy Piven) and Cutlass Liz (Salma Hayek), whose booties were more than 50 times what Pirate Captain could bring in.

With the aid of his crew and his parrot Polly (which happened to be the last dodo alive), they set out on a quest to get as much booty as possible.

This quest leads them to meet Charles Darwin (David Tennant) and his love interest Queen Victoria (Imelda Staunton). This also leads to a science fair where Pirate Captain makes the most remarkable discovery ever.

Pirates has Hugh Grant starring in his first animated role as the luxuriantly bearded Pirate Captain. If what I saw in this movie is something to write home about, then the news of Lord and Aardman planning a part two of Pirates is something to look forward to.

The animation is predictable, and there are no surprises waiting for you when you watch it, but the voice cast was good, so if you can overlook the predictability and the drop of pacing in the middle, you will love this movie.

I feel it in my bones that Aardman has a movie that is built for a trilogy. I mean, an animation that has you laughing from scene to scene, with remarkable twists and turns that make you look forward to the next thing that will happen, who wouldn’t want to see a part two of that?

The Watch (2012)

The Watch (2012)

5/10

Starring

Ben Stiller
Vince Vaughn
Jonah Hill
Richard Ayoade

Directed by Akiva Schaffer

First, this movie is absolute crap with a capital C. Second, I found myself laughing all the way through. It is a movie you can’t recommend to anyone to go see, but you won’t stop them if they are already on their way.

The movie entered development as Neighborhood Watch and was directed by Hot Rod (2007) director Akiva Schaffer. Two months before it was released, its name was changed to The Watch because of the shooting of Trayvon Martin by a neighborhood watch member.

The interesting thing about the movie is the dialogue. It is totally sick and contains a lot of uncalled-for profanity that makes you wonder, but laugh.

As weak as plots go, this is one of the weakest I have seen either Ben Stiller or Vince Vaughn in. The story starts after the death of Evan’s friend Antonio, who had his skin ripped off. Evan forms a neighborhood watch to prevent such occurrences from happening again.

He is joined by Bob (Vince Vaughn), who is just looking for an excuse to hang out with the guys, Franklin (Jonah Hill), who is eager to join any form of security force, and Jamarcus (Richard Ayoade), who has just moved into the neighbourhood.

Due to their relentless urge for the job, they get invited to an orgy and blow up a department store.

The band of misfits goes from Neighborhood Watch to Alien Hunters.

This is not the first time Vince and Ben have worked together, but this movie is weak. The story lacks depth, and the characters’ backstories are all too shallow for you to attach anything to them. That is what makes a good movie, the viewer being able to attach a distinctive attribute to a character. This makes the character memorable, and the movie less easily forgotten.

The movie shots were not so good for me. It felt like they were shy to show the alien at first, then later changed their minds. The director is not getting any better at making movies. Hot Rod was a waste of time and this movie had no sense of creativity or professionalism in directing. The characters and scenes all looked out of place at times.

For example, the guys get egged, everyone is chasing some perpetrator, after a while they focus on one, he gets caught, he is taken to the police, he is going home, he gets chased by an alien, he gets caught, the alien crosses the street and gets hit by a car. All this happened in one stretch and left me with this question.

Why did the alien cross the road?

He was jumping from roof to roof initially, so it makes you wonder why he changed his mind this time.